Before You Vent

A simple rule that can change the way we handle conflict.

A number of years ago, a pastor friend of mine was meeting with a church member who came in to talk about a conflict she was having with someone else in the congregation.

She began the way most of us do when we’re frustrated — describing the other person, pointing out their faults, letting a little irritation slip into her tone. As she talked, my friend quietly reached for a legal pad and a pen and started writing.

He didn’t interrupt.
He didn’t correct.
He just listened and wrote.

Every so often he’d glance up at her, then back down at the page, continuing to jot notes.

After a minute or two, she stopped mid-sentence. You could see the realization hit her.

“What are you doing?” she asked, a bit uneasy. “Are you taking notes on what I’m saying about her?”

He looked up calmly and said, “Yes — so when I meet with her, I can share what some of your concerns are.”

Her expression changed instantly.

“Well, I don’t want her to know I feel this way,” she said. “I just wanted to tell you.”

And that’s when my friend gave her a line I’ve never forgotten.

He said, “Here’s a good practice: don’t say anything about someone that you haven’t said to them — or aren’t willing to.”

She paused for a moment, then nodded.

“You’re right.”

It’s a simple idea, but not an easy one.

Most of us fall into one of two camps when it comes to conflict. We either avoid it at all cost or we lean into it a little too eagerly. Neither extreme tends to produce the best results.

There’s a better practice — a more honest way forward. Before we talk about someone, we should attempt to talk to them. And if we’re not willing to do that, it might be a sign that the words don’t need to be said at all.

This doesn’t eliminate tension or guarantee agreement. But it does protect integrity — and that alone changes the tone of almost every conversation.

It’s a simple rule, hard discipline, and a better way to live.

For me? I’m still a work in progress.